A Nonbinary Perspective

The idea of having a nonbinary gender identity is not new, though it takes on different names across time and place. Nonbinary people have been considered shamans, magical, strange, unnatural, and more. Those are all labels that society tries to pin upon us. Rarely is the other side of the story heard, from a nonbinary perspective. As someone who is nonbinary, I intend for this piece to offer insights and answer questions I have heard about nonbinary gender identity.

To me, being nonbinary serves as a place to be myself in a lot of ways, without the limitations of gender norms. I do this by announcing to the world that I don’t want to carry the weight that the burden of gender stereotypes brings. I want to be strong and kind and wise, as key parts of my identity. These words carry meaning, which can be thought of in a gendered context. Strong equates to warriors and masculinity, while kind takes a more feminine connotation. I want my identity to combine elements that span the stereotypical gender spectrum.

As someone who sews, I find there is an interesting story that connects gender and sewing. It has been a trade long shared between genders, at least through European history. Tailors and dressmakers and milliners, and many other names were given to these people. For a lot of history, women have sewn, as men have, but historically men take the credit for being the true geniuses. History is so rich, but the stories of the people who end up on top are the ones that get told. It’s important to remember that the norm does not represent the spectrum that is humanity.

Nonbinary people have lived in the shadows for a long time, coming out every so often. Some of these groups/people included:

-Native American two-spirits,

-The “Public Universal Friend”,

-Queen Kristina of Sweden,

-The ancient Egyptian creation god called Atum, and (also the great he-she).

People are becoming braver within this ever-changing world, and stepping out of the shadows. I can only speak for myself, so this is not a summation of the entire gender. I hope it helps you, whether you know someone who has recently come out as nonbinary or transgender, or you are questioning your gender right now. Whatever the case, read on.

What Is Nonbinary?

The term Nonbinary refers to gender identity for those not aligned with the “binary” (two-choice) option of male or female. People who are nonbinary feel that their gender identity isn’t exclusively male or female. According to medical research, gender exists as a spectrum. It is important to differentiate gender from biological sexual identity. These are different things, though they can be related.

The dictionary defines nonbinary as the following:

non·bi·na·ry| ˌnänˈbīnərē |

Adjective • denoting or relating to a gender identity that is not defined in terms of traditional binary oppositions such as male and female. I.e. Nonbinary people are vastly underrepresented in the media.

Nonbinary people are those who are neither female nor male in terms of their gender identity. This is different from their biological or sexual identity. Nonbinary people frequently use the pronouns “they” or “them”. So, as someone who is nonbinary, think it is choosing to be myself and make peace with who I am. In the next part of this, I will explain what being nonbinary means to me. Please don’t take this as what every non-binary person feels, as there are so many of us, and we have varying perspectives.

What Being Nonbinary Is To Me

I am a creative person, and I believe that identity is made, not formed. In a project I did earlier this year, I found a large debate in the field of humanities that centers around the opposing ideas of if identity is created or molded. We decided, after talking with some experts, that it was a combination. This is because creating identity is just that - a creative act. I’ve tried on many costumes and eventually realizing that none of them fit, I decided to be myself. Somehow, I felt most comfortable swimming against the tide of societal rules and gender norms. Society often tries to assign black and white, not realizing most of the world is gray. Actually, most of the world is super colorful. So nothing society does, will ever be perfect. Stereotypes try to tell us that when thinking about gender, we consider how tough a man is and how fragile a woman.

And yet, there are countless ways stereotypes lack validity and are harmful when they're applied to specific individuals. Identity is not something to be put into a box.

The world and the humans in it are all incredibly complex. You can say that the person who wrote this is an artist, sews, and has blue eyes, but that will never be everything. The world is so impossibly complex that we can never encapsulate everything, not even in a dictionary. So when you say the person who wrote this is a girl, that is wrong, even though I was assigned (by the state) a female at birth.

While I know that my body is that of a female, I’d say that whatever my body looks like, it is the body of a nonbinary person. I feel that I am not a girl, nor am I a boy. I’m somewhere in that gray area. Here’s where the sex versus gender differentiation comes in strong. My sex, or what I was assigned at birth was female. That was on the outside though, and until I could understand what gender was, I was stuck with being a girl. I played the part, looked the part, and didn’t know there was too much more to gender. There was so much more, and I will explain the subsections I think there are in gender. There are also lots of shades of female and male, as well as lots of places between these two binary labels.

I’d say that there are 3 different subsections of gender. Your presentation, your gender identity, and your sex assigned at birth.

• Presentation. How do you present yourself with clothing, hairstyle, and accessories? Do you prefer a dress and heels? Do you love wearing suits? Do you have short/long hair?

• Gender identity. How do you feel about your gender? If your biology matches with how you identify then you are cisgender. If this doesn’t, you are transgender. if, for example, you feel very masculine and saying, “I’m a man” feels right, even though the doctor said that you were a girl.

• Sex assigned at birth is what the doctor says when you are born. Even this isn’t always binary, as sometimes people are born intersex and they have genitalia and/or chromosomes, or something else relating to gender that is both/not male or female.

I think it is important to note that none of these are always binary. They may seem so because of what society says. Why does language say things like “ladies and gentleman”, its because it’s the norm, it’s more common, so it’s viewed as the only option. And yet, one doesn’t have to conform to being either male or female. The ancient Egyptian god of creation was nonbinary (Atum, known as the great he-she), in some sense, though the vocabulary has changed. You can be nonbinary. It’s okay. And you don’t even need a label! Just being and existing is enough. You can also be in different sectors of each category. Some would argue that sexuality is a part of all of this, but I think that it’s a separate part of identity. It can play a role though.

And then there’s me. (plus an entire community who identifies as nonbinary)

I’m nonbinary, and to me, that means that those categories are kind of everywhere and nowhere. That sounds complicated, so I’ll explain. When I was born, I was assigned a female. But as I grew, I didn’t feel like that was right. Studies have shown that gender is in the brain, more than in the rest of the body, and my brain was saying, “I feel trapped. I don’t belong in this box or any box for that matter!” I needed to exist in a different way, one without boxes. That feeling of being trapped is called gender dysphoria, and you can feel it whether you are nonbinary or binary trans (assigned male and identify with female or assigned female and identify with male). And that was when I found out about the word nonbinary.

How Did I Begin to Identify As Nonbinary?

When I was in sixth grade my art teacher had the students line up by gender for attendance purposes, I had a gut feeling. There were a few people, myself included who were frustrated by this because we are part of a new generation, one who is more open to diverse expressions of who people are. I am extremely lucky to live in a diverse town, where I have met so many different people with all kinds of stories. I know at least 5 other kids who identify as something other than what they were assigned at birth. Perhaps that's because people are drawn to those around them with similar stories. There is the idea of the gender binary, and there is the gender spectrum. The former is a collectively imagined idea that many accept, and the latter is reality. Here's why: gender doesn't show up in the same way in everyone, not even in all humans. So a spectrum allows for all of the variances and varieties that exist.

How to Use Nonbinary Pronouns

In language, pronouns are a substitute for somebody’s name, to limit repetition. You don’t want to constantly say, for example, “Alice plays soccer. Alice is in the school play, and also Alice likes to watch tv.” We just used Alice’s name three times. Let’s try using some pronouns. “Alice plays soccer. She’s in the school play and she also likes to watch tv.” Much less repetition. Now, you may ask, how do you use they/them pronouns? The answer is, you already do! Before you try to deny that, have you ever found something and didn’t know to whom it belonged? You would say, “Someone left their thing here! I hope they return for it since it belongs to them.” I’d say most people have said something like this before.

There are all kinds of pronouns and people with opinions about gender. Some people prefer to use multiple pronouns. That doesn’t mean you get to choose one and stick with it, that means that you should use both interchangeably. For this next example, let’s try using Alex. Alex uses the pronouns he/they. Let’s use the same example we did for Alice. Alex plays soccer. They’re in the school play and he also likes to watch tv. If it helps to imagine Alex as multiple people when using they/them pronouns, then do it! The person you're talking about doesn’t need to know what's going on in your brain, only that you are respecting their pronouns.

I think that using someone’s pronouns properly is a sign of respect and basic human decency. I find it dehumanizing if someone purposefully uses the wrong pronouns. I know that most of the time it's not on purpose, but you can do it, even if it’s hard! Practice using singular they/them pronouns on a pet, an inanimate object, in writing, or anything that will help you remember and practice. When you slip up and let’s face it, humans make mistakes, just quickly correct yourself and don’t take offense if someone corrects you. Move on quickly, it becomes a micro-aggression when you hover over the mistake, and it makes using the wrong pronouns on someone more about you by hovering, than by moving on.

One thing that I wish other people knew was that the pronoun “she” was very uncomfortable. The more I realized I was nonbinary, the more uncomfortable the pronoun she became. Also, I wish I’d known that exploring is both interesting and necessary. She/her wasn’t the right fit for me, and neither was he/him. I haven’t yet experimented with other pronouns, as they are not yet very mainstream and it’s hard enough for people to wrap their heads around plural they/them pronouns.

I think that something useful to try if you are questioning your gender is to write sentences in the third person about yourself, using different pronouns. Another thing to try could be to imagine yourself in the situation I was in, with the art teacher. Later, with my mom, we were talking about it and she drew a line and we talked about where we would place ourselves on a gender spectrum. I was extremely lucky to have a family that loves and supports me and really tries to get the pronoun thing right. Now, if you make a mistake with someone’s pronouns, just apologize quickly and move on. The more you dwell on it, the more you make it about yourself and add to the awkwardness of the situation. This also applies to binary trans people, which means anyone who is a transgender woman or man.

How to Survive/Thrive as a Nonbinary Person

If you identify as nonbinary and your family has a tough time accepting you for who you are because they want you to conform to a binary male/female identity you should remember that “perfect” doesn’t exist and being cis doesn’t add to perfection. In many parts of the US, acceptance, and understanding of the nonbinary identity is rapidly growing, especially with those under 25. Know that the transgender community (and the rest of the LGBTQ+ community) is waiting to welcome you and you don’t need to rush your coming out, and you are NOT better off dead. If you think that, then please reach out to a friend or call a suicide prevention hotline. If it doesn’t seem safe for you to come out to your family (for example, “conversion therapy”/abuse is threatened) then please do not come out yet. Wait until you don’t rely on them and you don’t risk becoming a part of the staggering statistic that is homeless trans youth.

Supporting a Nonbinary Person

And parents, try to provide a safe space, free of judgment, and listen to your kids. Listen to how they feel about their gender identity. This can be hard, as you were raised differently. However, this generation is the future and by listening to your kids, and not trying to change them, you are helping make them feel more comfortable in their skin. When youth accept themselves and feel accepted, they can spend more time and energy trying to make the world a better place for others. Science says that supporting someone who has recently come out can significantly reduce the risk of suicide, which is high for transgender individuals. Supporting someone can be done with love and by using the person’s preferred pronouns.

To me, the pronouns she and her feel distant and inaccurate, so they can trigger my depression. It's also important to note that people of the LGBTQ+ community have higher chances of having mental illnesses. This means that you could be saving someone's life by using the right pronouns, however strange that sounds.

Here are some questions I’ve heard, along with some responses to them:

• Why are youth making gender so complicated? Gender can be confusing for some people, so don’t expect it to always be easy. You don’t have to have all the answers. Let your youth talk to you about it so you can help support them as they figure it out.

• Why are there suddenly so many people identifying as nonbinary? This is not a new “fad”, we’ve been here, hiding in the shadows because it hasn’t and still isn’t always acceptable and easy to be nonbinary.

• How can I help my friend who is being targeted for being different? There is a light at the end of the tunnel, so if you need help, get it. Call 1-800-273-8255 in the US(988 is another number for the US), or look for The Trevor Project (LINK), and there will be people to answer your questions. Supporting your friend who has just come out to you can mean the world to them. It’s hard enough to come out, and losing friends can be very damaging to people, especially if they’re going through a lot. Change takes time, and helping the world become a better place (by learning about how best to support nonbinary individuals) is not easy, but doing it in stages is so much better than not doing it at all.

Additional Sources

https://www.healthline.com/health/am-i-non-binary#gender-roles

https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/nonbinary